10.000 visitors a year to a disconnected rotary phone known as the "wind phone" on a hill in the town of Otsuchi In Japan overlooking the Pacific Ocean where years later survivors of the 2011 tsunami still come to speak to loved ones they have lost.

After hearing this, I spoke to Jay through my Apple Watch. I am not sure if he was listening but knowing Jay, he still loves Apple products.

I can hear the tunes of the blue birds and red birds singing to me on my screened-in porch and I try to reply but I have never felt confident in my ability to sing.

In 1800's England, widows followed a two and a half year fashion etiquette to symbolize their stages of mourning.

My left-hand feels exposed without my wedding ring but it also feels like the truth of my life right now and that feels grounding.

My Vans from our December Miami trip feel like my morning shoes. The four of us each bought our own pair.

In Judaism, following the funeral of a loved one, mourners wear clothes with a tear for a 7 or 30 day period or wear a torn black ribbon in a similar gesture. It is a symbol of a broken heart and the garment reminds us that the body wears clothes in the same way a soul wears a body during its lifetime and beyond the surface of it all, we are not separated.

Jay flows in and out of conversations or in memories in my head. It is hard to separate before and after and scrolling through pictures on my phone is an odd timeline that my brain does not quite understand yet.

As my heads becomes clear and my memory takes shape again, the only things that separates us is a heart beat. I can feel him sitting in his favorite chair when my friends are over not wanting to miss a minute of girl talk or celebrating the holidays with his family or going to my mom's for Sunday dinner or adoring our kids together. Yes, always adoring our kids together.

In our world, it easy to get stuck in the drill of "move on, stay busy, bounce back and time will heal."

I prefer a disconnected old phone with the view of the Pacific Ocean. The ocean is deep and patient and the waves rolling in and out are unconditional and dependable. The wind is busy and still, angry and forgiving, chaotic and calm and always at my back. Its ancient whisper reminds me that time heals slowly and for a moment, I can feel the sun shining down on me.

A picture of the wind phone in Japan. JJ Grey & Mofro. The Sun Is Shining Down. An all-time favorite of Jay's.