I am not great at math so when I try to add it all up since January it gets confusing.
I think to myself one loss but a loss that goes over my head so the math gets tricky.
And then I add countless meals and so many people on a January morning and family and friends organizing and visitors and support and notes and space to feel "normal" and comfort and homemade bread and Facebook likes and lightbulbs and little gifts and new air filters and helping me with numbers and thoughts of us and invitations and kid playdates and dog playdates and rides for the kids and late night text messages and last minute help me please and plenty of love.
And when you add it all together is it enough?
My answer says that in some moments, it is more than enough but in other moments, it is not near enough.
Even if I wrote it on paper instead of counting in my head, it would show that there will be more moments where it is not enough because life marches on to a beat I am having to learn again.
So does it matter?
Matter has more than one meaning. One meaning is my husband who lived in my house and made our bed and grilled turkey burgers and played us new music and helped Zoe with her homework and taught his son how to put on deodorant.
It's who drove in our driveway every day and carried a backpack with cold water bottles and who loved to buy Phish posters and have them beautifully framed. It's who wore a very soft gray robe and sat in his favorite chair and watched football on the weekends with his son and admired the heart and head of his growing daughter always.
And so in this sense, no it does not matter.
But the other way to define matter is did it mean something to me? What you said to me or what you wanted to say to me but weren't sure if you should? What you did or intended to do but life is so busy for us all?
Yes I know I am thankful for all the ways filled or unfilled intention has been more than enough but can I forgive the world for all the ways it has not?
The song is Cold Water by Damien Rice.