Dry Eyes

I went to a Memorial service called Yizkor for the ending of Yom Kippur last night

My Rabbis lovingly encouraged me to go

It’s really sad, they said

Everyone will be crying but you will be surrounded by love and everyone there will be feeling sad too

My immediate fear was what if I don’t cry

A widow who lost her husband at a Memorial service and her eyes are dry

How will that look?

And I did not cry

Not one tear drop fell

And I did feel self-conscious about it

Tears where the heck are you? You are so weird how you show up at the oddest times. Why can’t you be normal?  I said to my tears 

Why can't you come when you are surrounded by people who love you?

Why do you always wait until you are with me? I could use some company

But I know it's not their fault that my tears are shy

The other night my son and I were doing our nightly routine of chasing our puppy to put in his crate

We spend at least twenty minutes trying to catch him on a good night

Two nights ago I said let’s try something different, Simon

Let’s just sit and see what happens

He came right to us

It’s such an analogy for life.

Chasing after what we think we should be or our kids should be or life should be or who should be in our life

Chasing life ragged

Worried we will be last to finish

Worried we will take a wrong step on our path and find ourselves alone

In a Synagogue with dry eyes

My words on this page are my tears

I don’t have to chase my words

I sit still and they come 

And the beautiful part is I have not been alone in my words

I am so grateful for the company you have been 

The song is Breakdown by Jack Johnson