Simon and I walked to movie night in the park last night. Before we left, he grabbed the football and we threw it as we walked. As much as I cherish my time with him even if that means being thrown into the role of mom/dad, I can feel the hole in our lives that Simon can not speak about. I know it is too much for him and I know what I need to do is just let him be a kid so at the movie he had ice cream and then dinner. And we did not talk about his dad. I am letting him be a kid.
I trust in his own time and with the right people, he will work through feelings about losing his dad. In the meantime, I am going to work on my football throwing skills and enjoy that he still thinks it is fun to take a walk with his mom.
"Mom, do you smell something awesome?" Simon asked a few weeks ago. "Yes, I think I do. What is it?" I replied. He said "It's Daddy. I have on his cologne and deodorant."
"Yeah, Simon, I definitely do smell something awesome."
I hear awesome sounds coming from Zoe's room. She listens to Jay's music at night and while I worry about my thirteen year old daughter who has lost her dad, I know that music was his language and through the lyrics to his favorite songs, she will find her way.
"Do you miss Dad tonight?" I asked her a few weeks ago. "No. I am not sure why it has to still be such a big deal" she replies.
Maybe on that night she could not tell me it's a big deal but I felt the absence of him lying on the floor in her room patiently quizzing her on a test. Every night I feel the absence of the new music he would play for us in the house. And laughing together as we pulled our weekly prank on him (he was an easy target).
I can understand how hard it must be to be a thirteen year old who is now stuck with her mom and little brother and who misses the cool dad in a Phish t-shirt and why when I ask her if she misses her dad, she would not want to tell me the truth.
We are huge fans of the awesome Eef Barzelay. Below is one of my very favorites.