What is your annual salary, Mom? What are your hobbies? These were a couple of questions Simon asked me as he, unbeknown to me, was creating my match.com account the day after Jay died.
He wanted a man in the house he said and it was OK if the man was not as good as his dad. He said he knew that was not possible.
I understand. I remember thinking so concretely too. Why do people have to be sad? Junebug would ask herself. In her mind, it was a choice and being sad was not the choice she was going to make. It's so simple. Find a replacement dad. Be happy. Adults just complicate it all by this grief process.
The five stages of grief. I think everyone grieves different and for me, I think what is most important about grief is to remember I am not on a stage. I don't have to grieve in any way but my own. I find it to be in the most amazingly inward time in my life that feels like when you have the flu and your whole body aches.
It's a time in my life where I find myself spending a lot of time in parking lots. Parking lots are such an in-between spot which feels exactly like my life right now. Or thinking about paper towels because to me, grief is this time where we are absorbing a new reality. We might go through a few paper towels rolls before we are finished.
Books are hard to read and movies feel too long to watch. Even talking on the phone is harder now which for me, who could have majored in phone talking, is odd! Simon and I watch Good Luck Charlie on the Disney channel every single night. It is hard to imagine a day when we will have the stamina to end our day in a different way. But for now, even though we have watched every single episode, it feels good. Feeling good is OK too when you are grieving.
We are lucky in so many ways. Lucky that we are over five months into this process because I know day in and out people are experiencing the shock of grief and we are enough into it to know are going to make it. I think? Lucky because we have each other and so many people in our life who love us. Lucky to have a roof over our head and lucky that we have the time right now to just take care of ourselves. Oh and we also have a dog named Lucky.....
A friend said to me after Jay died that she felt lucky after she had been grieving her mom for awhile. Lucky because she knew her mom was hers. And as I talk to Jay or as I wonder if that red cardinal in our yard is him, I know he is mine. Our love and my grief is not on a stage. It is in my heart and it is mine. And while finding the words to share about my experience has been so helpful, it is me inviting you into my little world and not onto my stage. There are many worlds out there and many stories of love and loss. Thank you, as always, for reading mine.
Below Lucky with Zoe & Simon and "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne.