Fall arrived as of a couple days ago but as I sit on my screened-in porch, summer is still my guest and fall is as invisible as my husband who used to pull in the driveway usually with the sounds of his favorite music coming from the car. Jay was not a fan of the hot weather and would have been miserable in this never ending heat.
Especially in the summer but really in all seasons, Jay always carried two water bottles in his backpack filled with the iciest, coldest water he could make in our Jenn Air refrigerator. He never left the house without his backpack and ice cold water in tow. It was his adult security blanket.
It made sense to me why Jay needed a security blanket because, for as long as I can remember, moments of feeling secure can feel about as slippery as the hope Junebug was trying to catch with her homemade fishing pole in the sewer behind her house. Junebug was fishing to feel better and maybe she did not have the right kind of bait but for some reason, insecurity was the one who caught her and even as an adult, does not let me off the hook easily.
When I had days where my confidence was as elusive as the hope in the sewer, I could say to Jay "I had the feeling today." He always knew what I meant and he was always there for as long as I needed him. Night after night, especially after a long day of feeling down on myself, I would end my day by laying my head on his chest.
If he got in bed before me or vice versa, we would call out to the other to get ready because we would always get in bed at the same time and often talk for too long and then eventually, we would close our eyes to it all. It felt good to rest in that place and sometimes I can see now that is where we stayed even in the light of a new day, even when it appeared we were awake.
I never dreamt I would wake up from a Rip Van Winkle sleep with my homemade fishing stick on my back and with Jay nowhere in sight. I do not always have the best sense of direction and I wanted to trust Jay' knew where we were going. Now I have no choice but to trust myself and find the strength to light my own way and Junebug, I promise, we will we will find our way, even if we have to write our way all the way home.
The song is Bilgewater by Brown Bird. Jay in Watercolor, Florida.