Jay discovered the band 21 Pilots at Bonaroo last summer and as Zoe said yesterday, he did not stop listening to them. Most bands he would be into until he found the next but 21 Pilots had staying power for Jay.
I remember when he played me the song Stressed Out. The lyrics go: "My name is Blurryface and I care what you think."
I knew immediately why he liked this song. Jay and I had the blurryface syndrome and wanted to be liked by everyone. It's hard to have a whole heart in your 20's and I think in a way it was a dance our broken hearts did together very well. My half of a heart and his half of a heart doing the tango or the two-step for many years. Whatever the audience requested.
We cared what others thought. While caring for others is good, caring what others think is stressful. Stressed Out is a perfect name for this song.
When I write a blog, I usually panic after. I wonder if people like what I wrote. Do I make sense? Am I saying too much? Am I too sad or too serious? I know this is Junebug who can't help but feel afraid. I try to remind her that this is for us and to let the rest go but half the time I have to convince myself of the same.
Fear and insecurity are bossy and loud and often I have no idea what I want or need because this background noise has been turned up too loud for too long. It's hard to hear myself and often I just reach for what feels comfortable rather than what is best for me. Picking up the phone and distracting myself is easy but it also can be similar to Junebug rubbing ice cream all over her face and getting lost in others. Often writing feels like a better choice right now.
I am thinking of this time in my life as a station break as I tune into myself and losing Jay. I know Jay would be proud. I am doing it for both of us.
Zoe in photo below after Jay took the kids to see 21 Pilots in the fall. It is a night my kids will always remember rocking out with their dad in the front row of The Ryman. We will be there to see them on Sunday in Nashville. The song is Stressed Out.